“Stop asking me WHY I do stupid things”

May 9

I recently went to an event where adults listen to teenagers answer questions about their lives.

My and my teenage kid had been butting heads regularly for weeks, and I was feeling pretty burnt out. I thought hearing from other kids her age might help me provide some clues to find my way out of this relentless cycle of confusion, hurt and anger we seem to be stuck in. I'm clearly having trouble hearing my kid clearly through all the baggage stacked up between us ("You always do this!" "You never listen!"). These days it feels like we're mad at each other even before we open our mouths.

In The Circle of Teen Truth-bombs

So I find myself in a circle with a group of other parents, eating pizza and listening to kids I have no stakes in answer some pretty profound questions. What stresses you out? How do you cope? And this one: what are some things adults do that aren't helpful?

I learned SO MUCH. Here's one for today: one young man bravely shared that for a time he was smoking a lot of weed. He said he knew his parents were very disappointed in him, and his dad would ask, "WHY?" every time he found out. "WHY do you do it? WHY do you keep doing this?"

This young fella said, "It's not like I don't know it's a bad thing to do. In fact, it's a shameful thing for me, I feel awful every time. I don't want to, but I don't know why I do it. Is it my brain? Is it because I'm worried, tired, stressed out, never doing enough? Because it's there? I'm a sh*t. I know it. Asking me why doesn't help. I don't know! What helps? Actually help me. I need him to be the part of my brain that doesn't work."

Someone else said, "Yeah. Relatable. We don't know why we do these things. But we're trying. Adults don't see how hard we're trying. It's not like we don't know. We're not stupid or lazy."

Arrggh Moment

I found myself holding back tears. I suddenly remembered being that age, feeling like a disappointment, hating myself for screwing up again, even though I didn't mean to.

I think of my kid, and the gazillion times her dad and I have asked WHY. "WHY are you late again? WHY did you do it? I thought you had a plan... WHY is this happening again?"

She doesn't know why. I know why. I keep forgetting that the developing brain is a real thing. I know that the part of her brain that remembers stuff, regulates impulses, focuses attention isn't fully formed until around 27 years of age. That when she makes mistakes it's not always an attitude problem (though that is sometimes true) but also likely a developing brain problem—and what she needs is strategies and help.

Moving away from the Why - picking battles and managing expectations

It’s still going to be frustrating as hell but I’ll try to cap myself asking why. And instead remember she’s still building her brain, and look for the incremental steps forward rather than expecting her to crush it every time.

It won't be perfect, but I think it's gonna help us be better together.